The banned episode of The Teletubbies

(what it has in common with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and why it makes me think of alchemy...)

Contents

1. An Atmosphere of Madness

2. Alchemical Weirdness

3. The Seven Magical Events

4. A Horror Film for Toddlers?

5. 28 Years Later

Earlier this year, in my Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared mini series of horror moments, I explored the cultural spectre of the cursed children’s tv show. I was particularly interested in things that had scarred children for life without necessarily intending to which rules out, for example, the deliberately-terrifying public information films which I’m sure I’ll talk about another day.

The Spirit of Dark and Lonely Water, 1973.

I mentioned then that there was one particular example of an unintentionally horrifying children’s tv episode from the 1990s that deserved its own article, so here we go! This is the story of the ‘banned episode’ of The Teletubbies which I remember watching in its original ‘uncut’ version as a small child. I am talking, of course, about ‘The Lion and Bear.’

An Atmosphere of Madness

When Tobe Hooper first made The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), censors were baffled by what they ought to do with the film. They knew that it was powerfully frightening, that the torment of both the characters and the audience was protracted, that threat hung in the clammy atmosphere of every shot, but they didn’t know what to cut to solve the problem. Ironically, given the film’s title, you couldn’t just chop away a particular image or scene because it was hard to pinpoint where the film had gone too far.

As the BBFC put it:

“It was noted at the time that the film relied for its effect upon creating an atmosphere of madness, threat and impeding violence, whilst shying away from showing much in the way of explicit detail…there were few moments of explicit violence that could be removed. Even if these elements were cut, it did nothing to alter the disturbing 'tone' of the film.”

This was the same problem faced by the creators of The Teletubbies when complaints were lodged against an episode called ‘See-Saw’ which first aired in 1997. In particular, parents were upset about a segment from that episode called ‘The Lion and Bear’ whose own frightening atmosphere proved difficult to edit away.

Alchemical Weirdness

The more you read about the lore of The Teletubbies (a creepy-looking show at the best of times) the more it starts to sound like some sort of ancient alchemical system: we aren’t really watching a children’s programme, we’re consulting a tome of coded knowledge where every trippy image is an allegory for an arcane truth.

‘Ah yes, the sun rises with a human face over green hills whilst the four humours dance and voices sound from the belly of the earth as we peer through a window to seek the true reality…’

Splendor Solis, 1582 (left) Teletubbies (right)

Four Temperaments, Medieval Woodcut by Science Source (left) Teletubbies (right)

L'Atmosphere, Météorologie Populaire, 1888 (right) Teletubbies (left)

Okay, I’m joking but back in the 90s I could have written an alarmist think piece about this that would have meant a whole bunch of Christian kids weren’t allowed to watch The Teletubbies anymore.

The Seven Magical Events

‘The Lion and Bear’ was one of the ‘Seven Magical Events’ (see??) from the first ever series. The ‘events’ were self-contained and involved characters who appeared, did something entertaining, and then vanished away again as the Teletubbies clapped and giggled. They were designed to be re-used in later series, and thus ‘The Lion and Bear’ popped up again to terrify children multiple times between 1997-9 in episodes whose names themselves sound like fabled cursed tv episodes from Creepypasta: ‘Dirty Dog’, ‘Dentist’, ‘Long Horns…’

Not from the real show! I’m not sure who originally made this image but it’s a meme that circulates whenever the internet talks about the creepiness of the Teletubbies.

Only in 2001 did ‘The Lion and Bear’ return in an edited form and aired for another two episodes, meaning that the vast majority of children who saw the sketch saw it in its scariest incarnation. In 2002, the newly launched ‘CBeebies’ (for even younger children than ‘CBBC’) was banned from repeating episodes containing the original sketch. If you grew up in the US, you likely never saw the original because it was never aired there.

A Horror Film for Toddlers?

Reading the list of edits gives an insight into what made the original so frightening. According to one fan site, changes included:

• Replacing the original horror-like music with jollier music.

• The Teletubbies saying 'Oooh!' rather than 'Uh-Oh!'

• The addition of cartoonish sound effects (e.g. a doorbell when the Bear pops out from behind a tree).

• Some of the characters' lines being re-dubbed to sound happier than they were originally.

These changes reveal that the original episode had somehow been designed to have ‘horror-like music,’ audibly frightened Teletubbies, and a generally sombre tone. The original creators of the show (headed by Anne Wood and Andrew Davenport) had accidentally made a horror film for toddlers.

So what’s all the fuss about? Well, imagine that you’re three years old and see for yourself. It’s a very simple scene: a bear is being chased around by a lion. That’s all.

Crikey.

It’s creepy enough when it’s just the bear, but when the lion turns up? Why oh why have these creatures been designed this way to look like evil haunted toys? Why does the lion have such a gruff and menacing voice and why does the camera cut so suddenly to its staring eyes and gaping mouth, a jump scare any horror director would be proud of? Why is everything so much more overcast and shadowed than usual??

Incidentally, the lion’s quote ‘I’m scary on the top and I’m scary underneath’ is incredibly reminiscent of the Babadook’s ‘this is what he wears on top, he’s funny don’t you think?’ and later ‘once you see what’s underneath, you’re going to wish you were dead.’ There seems to be a suggestion that what we’re seeing isn’t the ‘real’ lion, that there is something worse beneath this already horrid surface. He says ‘I’m scary round the front and I’m scary round the back,’ but we never see round the back of either of these two-dimensional figures. Is there something operating them? Is it the Deadlights like inside Pennywise the clown??

‘Where’s the bear?’ he says ‘where’s the bear?’ again and angrier, then zooming in ‘WHERE’S THE BEAR?’

*Small child starts sobbing uncontrollably*

28 Years Later

It’s been 28 years since ‘The Lion and Bear’ first aired and there is still a generation of millennials who have fond memories of being traumatised by the uncut version of the sequence. This year, director Danny Boyle put The Teletubbies directly into a horror film, his zombie apocalypse romp 28 Years Later. In fact, it’s the first thing we hear when the trailer begins: children are being made to sit and watch it by a mother who is clearly terrified of something going on outside the house. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Boyle picked this particular show with its reputation for creepiness.

Did you watch ‘The Lion and Bear’ for the first time today or did you see it as a kid? What do you think, is it too scary for children? And how shall we interpret the esoteric significance of this ‘magical event,’ this devouring lion gliding across the green just as the ‘regal water’ of the alchemist must dissolve gold…

Sammlung Alchymistischer Schriften, John Rylands Library

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Screenshot from 28 Days Later. Cover image from the same film.